ricoleeee

I think back to the conversation we had a few days prior when Gino came home late after going to a bar with a couple of his work companions. He expressed concern over his lack of desire to behave accordingly in social settings, such as parties, bars and the office. He hastily added that this does not apply to the times he is in the studio during the school year, when he is amongst peers with a common goal. “I just feel…uncomfortable.”

“And out of place? Like you’re not supposed to be there, yet you’re forcing yourself to remain because you just don’t know what to do?”

“Sure. Yeah. Something like that.”

“Hmm. Me too. I don’t like large groups, but I keep myself in the situation for the sake of the people whose company I actually want.” I continued, reminiscing the previous Tuesday, on which I was to watch a movie: 1408. The showing was at 9:55pm, but I decided to go to the mall around 7:30pm. And until the movie, I sat in Barnes and Noble by myself, watching 300 on my iPod.

Also on the day of the conversation, I left a birthday celebration significantly early resulting more out of social awkwardness than anything else.

We both concluded, that night, that we are socially retarded. The following weekend we saw Eagle vs. Shark, a movie about socially awkward individuals.

Just this weekend, Gino went to Austin to visit a friend. He came back home yesterday. “It was fun,” he said. “Except that one party that we were at for about an hour.”

“An hour?”

“I told her that I was feeling uncomfortable, so we left. I felt like a jackass making her leave the party, but I really didn’t want to be there.”

“I was at a birthday party yesterday, and for two hours I sat by myself and watched Daria on my iPod. But after gifts I played Scattergories.”

“We need to do something about this.”

Today, after work, Gino and I drove down to Mockingbird to see a movie. It was good.

In many ways, it was kind of like a New Zealand-version of Napolean Dynamite, except better. Its redeeming quality: there was more than one layer of plot. While enjoyable, and nice, I don’t think I’d watch it again. I do recommend it, though.

Lily, a loser Meaty Boy employee, attends the videogame-costume party of her crush, Jarrod. The two socially-awkward adults start an equally awkward relationship. In a very off-beat manner, Lily accompanies Jarrod to his hometown as he prepares for a fight against his high school nemesis.

Oh, the value of relationships. I could go on about that considering my week.

I can’t write a legit review unless I am getting something out of it. I’m trying to take up space here, because it looks nicer. Maybe I should try doing that…you know, so this journal can have a purpose.

Uggnn. How do I begin? How about I just don’t begin. The skinny of it: uggghhn. Sometimes, asking for nothing, is asking me too much. Someone who wants to call me a friend on any level can’t expect me to not care. It’s a character flaw; I care too much for people, regardless of my relationship with them. I will worry about a person I know nothing about. I don’t expect such in return, in fact, I would prefer that no one cared for me.

But, consider it realistically. Even though that is the ideal situation for me, I wouldn’t ask for it because who would give it?

I have a difficult time expressing myself - always have. Let us create a hypothetical situation (or perhaps extract one from the recesses of my memories), and then analyse the fuck out of it.

In elementary school, I had a classmate that I hated beyond reason. This person regularly said terrible things to me, for no reason other than…well, that we were third graders. But when his mother died, I cried a lot for him. Because I have an over-sized, caring heart.

As a result, I hurt too much for others that I forgot how to care about myself. That’s still the case today. But sometimes, I can’t help it, you know? I think that’s what happened. I let the personal regard slip, because I don’t let it happen as often as I used to, and I lost control and let myself get attached. Granted, I did sort of have expectations about tenth grade. I figured that by the end of tenth grade, I’d finally have a real friend for high school like Gino had Alyah, Andrew and Michelle. Even if I wouldn’t see them after graduation, at least for the time being I wouldn’t be afraid to call someone on a whim and be afraid of being told to piss off. I guess I was being unrealistic.

So, it is what it is, and I just need to keep myself in check. Not in the way that I used to. Perhaps sticky notes will do the trick.

That aside…other movies. (more…)