This blog is dead.

Hm. Let’s list my addictions. Be they mental, physical, emotional, mild, nonexistant, etc…

Entire life thus far: Hating my body
Grades 1-3: Beanie Babies; ty.com
Grades 2-4: Uhm…that program with the turtle. MicroWorld? Err…with the programming and shit. Like [go left] 50 blah blah. That was pretty neat. I just fell out of it when…
Grades 3-5: HTML
Grade 5: RuneScape; NeoPets; being different; socialization; pity; feeling sorry for myself
Grade 6: Melodramatic.com, every fucking band on the planet, self-mutilation, hating myself, using large words, hating people, what I thought was philosophy, intellectualism, writing, LaVeyan Satanism, either hating or disbelieving in God
Grades 6-7: Watching shitty movies to criticise; being nosey; marijuana; shrooms; hallucinating in general; getting back into HTML and general web design; psychology; indifference; being numb
Grades 6-8: t-shirt; jeans
Grades 7-now: Body modification
Grade 8-now: HTML, CSS, PHP, SQL, fanlistings, my domain, better music, back into Melodramatic.com, MySpace.com (that one was unintended), anime (okay, that’s not an addiction, but still), [adult swim], techno/electronica (some of you definately didn’t see that one coming), soda, solitaire

Countless stuff, really. It’s really pathetic. There is so much stuff I regret that I find myself unable to let go of the past. I fear being stuck there forever. I need someone to help me get out, and I haven’t found anyone I would dare allow do that. At least no one existant. So, until then, I’m on my own. I am a liar, a thief, but very honest. Yes, I am aware that the “honest” contradicts the “liar,” but there’s no explanation that I’m prepared to give out.

But, the internet has been with me through all this. Computer. Whatever. I’ve never been able to keep a journal or diary otherwise. Yes, it’s revealing, but maybe I’m just a fucking attention whore. I can’t say that my past is catching up to me, because, you see, it was never behind.

My current diagnosis: m.d.d. (in full remission); socialphobia
Diagnosis (2003): m.d.d.; psychosis; socialphobia

Ironically, I still think I was better off in sixth grade. If I could just merge the then and now together, maybe I’d like it, but that’d be too complex. I don’t know. But I’m generally not feeling too happy right now, if you haven’t caught on.

There’s so much more I want to say, but as usual, I have a hard time putting it all in words. Emotions, for me, are a struggle. At least when I want to express them without violence. But I guess it’s especially hard since I’ve always had a problem identifying.

I hate myself for: not moving on; not really trying to move on; not willingly doing much to help myself. I left before I was supposed to. I’m happy enough, I suppose. I’m just hoping I’ll meet someone soon that’ll save me. Marlene saved me more times than I can count in sixth grade; but it’s difficult. And she understands why it’s difficult, although I don’t know if she understands how she helped me so much. Mostly because I never bothered telling her, but I can’t thank her enough for just existing.

I’m feeling a little sad. My heart is sagging. I wish my brother were happier. I wish I were more like him in some ways. But I don’t think he’s happy. My mom is getting better because she doesn’t work at the hospital anymore, and my dad is relaxed because he’s on vacation. My dad is the most emotionally stable. That’s because he’s kind of stubborn. I’m selfish. And full of it. My self-loathing isn’t as intense as it was in sixth grade, but I’m getting tired of this. Feeling discontent again. I was numb the latter half of sixth grade. I wish I could be numb. Even before I did drugs, I was able to attain numbness. Seventh grade it was discontent and confusion sometimes apathy. I don’t know about now, but I’m not going to make an attempt to find out.

However…

October 20! Neon Genesis on [adult swim]! That fucking made my day. First anime movie I willingly sat through. Maybe I didn’t understand it, but once Ad explained it to me, I loved it. So, now I can watch the series and hopefully understand even more.

Talk about throwing off the atmosphere.

Well, I’ve been wallowing in self-pity for too long. I hate being so weak. But, that’s my own fault, because I’m not trying to do anything about it. All I can do is continue to be like this until someone helps me. Dissatisfaction.

Well, I’m done with the intense backup of MP3 files. Soon, probably tomorrow, my dad is going to completely purge the C-drive. I’m excited. He’s still skeptical. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I feel drained, even though I didn’t do anything remotely physical today. I hate wavering over the line seperating emotions. It’s like I’m incapable of feeling anything as a whole. I’d rather be completely destitute of all happiness than this. I’d drink, but I hate throwing up. I’d smoke, but I’ve got nothing. I’d pop, but they’re all locked up. I’d stab, cut, slit, but I love too many people to consciously do that anymore.

I’m going to try to end this on a brighter, if not, more neutral note.

Oh! Uhm, I’m going to try to make a new layout for N-T.net. Does that work?

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 31st, 2005 at 23:32 and is filed under General, Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.